I’m so tired but I can’t sleep…standing on the edge of something much too deep…its funny how we feel so much but can not say a word…we’re screaming inside, but we cant be heard…but I will remember you…will you remember me…don’t let your life pass you by and weep not for the memories…
I was so afraid to love you but I was more afraid to lose. I was clinging to a past that didn’t let me choose. Once there was darkness, a deep and endless night and gave me everything you had.
You gave me light.
Here we are again. Its exactly 4:59am on a Wednesday morning and I’m sitting in bed listening to our favourite Sarah McLachlin song and having a conversation with your soul. Because lets face it, life in the defence force sucked ass and the time difference was never fun. And when you had time, this was peak talk time for us. I’ve been trying to figure out for the last few days where this insane desire to write has all of a sudden come from. And I’ve worked it out. I kind of feel a little silly now. Because the answer was there all along. Right on either side of my bed side tables looking RIGHT at me as if too say “get on with it girl, what are you wasting your talent for?” Because lets face it, you were one of my harshest critics but also my biggest supporter when it came to the words I shared with the world.
You were the very first person I ever showed my writing too and the anxiety ate me alive as you read it. I remember wanting to do a runner while you were reading it. And every time I tried to, your arm snaked out and held me in a death vice with a grin on your face while your read it and I just cringed. I was determined you would hate it. Because I did. When you finished it. You looked at me, shook you head and said “holy fuck little girl, what in the HELL is THAT?” I was mortified and prayed as hard as my non religious mind would let me for a big, fat hole in the ground to swallow me up until you started to laugh and told me how much you loved it. You were simply stunned because you’d never known I could write. But hey, neither did I.
And so it began. Every time you went away, I wrote you longer and longer letters and I honestly believed they kept us both sane. Fort Dix, Fort Bragg, Afghanistan, Iraq, Germany and Afghanistan and Iraq all over again.
I miss you.
I love you.
I wish just for one second I could see you and hug you and tell you how amazing you are. And I do mean ARE not WERE. Because I speak to your soul all the time and I know you speak to mine.
Maybe that’s why I haven’t written for so long? Maybe thats why my words stopped the day you went away. The day I found out you were never coming back to me. The day I found out that every single solitary plan we had put into action was never going to happen. We fought through battles bigger than the wars you fought to make sure that in the end we could be together. We fought through crazy exes, illnesses, you fought through my crazy insecurities. You stood in the middle of the desert and faced guns pointed at you and told me it was easier to do that than to battle with me. That sure got my shit together didn’t it?
A lot of people in my world were shocked when they found out you had gone. For a start, because they didn’t know you had even existed. Why, I hear people ask? Because if there was one thing you taught me in the time I was blessed to have my heart in your hands, it was because it was none of their business and I finally wanted something for ME. For US.
You and I both know, that with the way my life had been. The way my childhood was, my previous toxic relationships, my drug addictions and all the other dysfunctional bullshit it just didn’t matter. I had found something and someone, so amazing, so precious and wonderful that I wanted to hold onto him with both hands and NEVER let him go. Let alone share him social media and the rest of the world.
I’m just sad that when I did finally get to share you with the world it was to say goodbye to you. Nobody, except the select few who did know of you, had any idea of how crushed and destroyed I was. But I did what I knew you would have wanted. I smiled. I said all the right things. But in the late hours of the night my heart was breaking. I sat and stared at walls. I wanted to break things, but I didn’t. I felt like my heart had been torn out. The pain in my chest was incredible. It felt like you had reached right inside and torn out my heart and left a gaping hole there.
And then, and only then, did the tears start.
And they wouldn’t stop.
And I hated you. And I felt so guilty for that hatred. But I still hated you.
And I’m sure when this post reaches your soul you’ll read it, smile and tell me you understand that emotion and maybe you’ll answer my question?
I’ve lost so many people I loved in the last three years, but you promised me that would be the end of it. When I lost my dad, you called me from Iraq. Somehow you knew. That was the strength of the connection of our souls. You KNEW something devastating had happened to me and you got me through it as best you could from the other side of the universe. And you promised me I wouldn’t have to go through it alone again.
But I did baby, because this time you couldn’t hold my hand. Because this time we buried you. And all I had to show for it was a folded up flag and some really pretty medals. Don’t get me wrong, I have more than some. I have your photos, your letters, the memories of your phone calls and the times we spent together. But if that makes me ungrateful, then yes, I’m ungrateful.
Ungrateful. Angry. Frustrated. Sad. Lonely.
Even though there’s a hole in the world where the rain gets in.
I’m healing. And I know that’s what you’d what want.
You’d always told me I was like your very own Calamity Jane. But I never thought I was that tough. I always knew love had a price but I didn’t know how much it was until the day you left and while I’ll never be the same again. I will go on.
You could have left me with a reason why.
But you didn’t. Just a big ass fucking mess to clean up.
Not only mine, but everybody else’s. Sometimes it sucks being the strong one and for that I blame YOU because YOU taught me to be that way. I had to be even stronger while I watched everybody sell off every single thing you owned. And all I could do was watch them do it. Because I didn’t have a legal leg to stand on. I knew you wouldn’t have wanted it that way. But I couldn’t fight your entire family. So I salvaged what I could and those things give me comfort.
But I digress my love…
What the FUCK were you thinking?
You. Killed. Yourself.
You took a gun. And you shot yourself.
There. In the house where you wanted to live with me.
I guess you know this is not coming from my heart right now? But from the depths of my soul. From a part of me deep inside that has been buried since they told me you had left me.
You hated even discussing suicide. Even when it was someone you didn’t know.
Lets go back once again, to the very beginning, when my family tore apart my life by taking my children away and I couldn’t cope? When I was in the deepest, darkest, most desperate place? When I didn’t want to go outside the front door, let alone keep breathing. Your words to me were “You ever think about that, and I’ll fucking kill you myself”.
You had me. You had so many people who loved you. Such a big family who loved you. Such an amazing future to look forward to you.
Every day, for such a long time, you saved my life.
And then you left.
I cant even image what was going through your mind baby and as much as I am trying to come to terms with it, its slow going. I’m still only coming to terms with you not being here. The suicide part of it is going to take me a little while longer.
Yes, I’m angry with you. Beyond angry but I don’t profess to understand what was going through your mind. All that war couldn’t have left you in a good place and knowing you, you would have wanted to go back and do more. There must have been a million and one untold horrors over there that you never spoke of.
I wonder if there was something I could have done?
Knowing you, nothing I could have said or done, would have changed your mind. You had already decided your time here was done. I’m just sorry it happened before we got the chance to put the rest of our plans into action.
But I’ll never be sorry for what you brought to my life and the legacy you’ve left with me.
Thank you for coming into my life when you did.
Thank you for loving me.
Thank you for the constant love and encouragement.
Thank you for always having conversations with my soul.
And most of all – thank you for showing my the woman you saw in your eyes.
I miss you every minute of every single day.
I will love you for the rest of my days..