Its been over two years since I’ve been here. This place almost doesn’t feel like home. Notice I said ALMOST. But coming back through the door, it feels familiar and comforting, like a pair of pj’s or a comfy jumper. Like one of mum’s hugs. If your lucky enough to experience that sensation. But you get my point right?
Anyway. I’m back. I work up this morning at 4am, with the overwhelming desire to write. And I haven’t experienced that for the LONGEST time. My world has been insane and crazy to say the very least. I’ve been suffering insomnia and I’m usually just getting to sleep at this time NOT waking up and I’m lucky if I can wake up before midday. But today, when I need to be up at 7am for work. It happens like this. But I digress. Lets get back to why I’m here.
I’m all fucked up.
Too put it mildy and bluntly. I’m fifty shades of fucked up and I don’t know why. I’ve gone from being happy and settled in myself to being stressed, angry and miserable. I’m sad. I’m seriously miserable and I cry at the most simple things. I look at my grand daughter and think how beautiful she is and I cry. Not just tears well up in your eyes crying, I’m talking sobbing your heart out tears.
I’m angry. At everything. Yesterday the coffee table was in my way. What did I do? Well LJ, you moved it I hear you say. Nope, I picked it up, carried it down the hallway, opened the door and threw it out into the street. And no, I am NOT kidding. A massive over exaggeration I know but that is seriously how ANGRY and over it I was.
So LJ, what’s bothering you, is your next question right? If I knew, I would tell you. I have three beautiful daughters. Two of whom I see every day that adore me and never lose the opportunity to text me and tell me that they love and adore me. I have a beautiful new grand daughter who is now 8 months and who I see every day and who loves me too death. The huge smile on her face when she sees me warms my heart no end. I have an amazing new house that is perfect for me. I have a few close friends that love and support me. So I have no fucking clue WHY I am so fucking angry and miserable.
I seem to have lost my love for everything. I don’t have any love for the gym anymore. I don’t even write anymore. I think thats pretty obvious by how long its been since I’ve been here. I’ve tried numerous times to write blog posts, but every time I’ve written something I’ve read over it and gone, umm nope, it doesn’t sound right. Its not funny, it doesn’t flow like it used it. What if I put it out there and people read it and think bad of me? The funny thing is, on my Facebook and my Instagram intro is lists me as a rebel and a divine trouble maker. Yeah right. That’s really fucking funny. Because if I was really that person I wouldn’t give a fuck what people thought about what I wrote. I’d simply be writing for myself. Wouldn’t I?
OMG LJ? You’ve got it! I hear you all say. So go to it.
Perhaps I will.
I need to do something, because the overwhelming sadness I am feeling lately is terrible and I don’t want to go back to the living in the world I used to when I had the black curtain pulled around me. There was a time in my life when I LOVED to live in that situation. I was moody and dark. I had that black curtain around me. I wrote all the time and everything flowed. My blog was amazing, I had thousands of followers, my relationship was awesome (so I thought) because I was so dark and fucked up that he could manipulate me like a puppet. Yep it was great right? And then it all came crashing down because I was such an asshole. And I don’t want to go back to being that horrible person. I want to be able to write again. I want to be able to write about my truth. My sadness, my happiness, my anger, my pain. Just everything. If people wanna read it then great. If they don’t, well that’s great too. At this stage I just wanna right again.
I just want to start living like a human again. I’m tired of being sad and a hermit. I’ve been spending so much time tucked away in my bedroom that its becoming a joke. Of course I go out. When its absolutely necessary. Not because I want too. Just because I have too and I know it has to change.
Six months ago I was settled. I was working with Melanie (not my crazy lesbian prison guard sister, but more on that tonight) my naturopath and losing weight, I was slowly going back to the gym after Michael destroyed my love for it (more on THAT tonight too) and just LOVING my life and then life decided to say “hey, lets fuck her up” aaaaaand it did. And now here I am. Lately the headaches I’ve been suffering are debilitating to the point that I can not cope. I’ve tried everything and I have absolutely no relief. And the pain is so shocking that I am like the monster from the black lagoon and all I want to do is sleep. And I cant even do that because insomnia is kicking my ass.
Get off your meds they said. It will be good for you they said. You’ll sleep better they said. FUCK YOU I say.
Next week I go back to my psychiatrist and talk to him about dealing with this rage I’m feeling before I destroy another coffee table and the neighbours really start to think I’m a fucking nut case. After that, its the neurologist to find out just WHAT is causing the headaches. Maybe, just maybe I can get some relief and start to become somewhat human again. Because I seriously can’t stand behaving like an asshole and treating people so appallingly. Not only that. I can’t stand having so little respect for myself.
I spent so much time, money and effort working on the inner me and of late it feels like it was for nothing. Because I’ve lost it all. And I don’t know where to begin to look to find it again. I’m at a crisis point in my life. I don’t think I’ve ever been at a point where I don’t know which way to turn. I’ve pulled out my oracle cards again for guidance and tonight I’ll sit down and let them speak to me. And then I’ll go to the one woman who tells it like it is with absolutely NO BULLSHIT and who will hopefully help direct me back on the right path. Miss Emma Chalmers.
I know now, that I still have my love for writing and blogging. Over 1000 words tells me that. And there is plenty more I have to fill you on when I’m back tonight. Hopefully no more coffee tables will have been damaged before then.
Always stay humble and kind