Playing With Fire

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To carry a secret is to play with fire.  Try to pass it on and you risk hurting someone else. But hold on to it and eventually you’ll get burned.

It’s been a few days since I decided that I’d blog. There has been so much crazy stuff going on in my universe and its all just not what I want to put out there for public consumption. I know there are people reading me blog who are sitting there with their fingers crossed just waiting for me to unleash on something or someone.

Right now, I just don’t have it in me.

I’m trying to take my life in a different direction and its very hard to do it publicly when its something that still isn’t sitting comfortably with myself yet. I know there are some who would judge me for it and that is their problem not mine but I also know there are others who would understand and offer me sympathy.

Right now I don’t want sympathy. Or understanding. Not until I have a better understanding of what has transpired myself. And right now I think that is going to take a lot longer than I thought it would originally.

I’ve always been able to come to terms with the decisions I make and the paths I choose to walk down. This path is one I ran away from a long time ago and now I am finding myself drawn back down it. Part of it me is very comfortable with it because I know I do it well. But there is a part of me who needs to hold my cards close to my chest because I don’t feel that the whole world needs to be privy to my thoughts, choices and decisions.

This weekend see’s me back in Bendigo and I am still trying to come to terms with what happened the last time I was here. This time I have managed to stay away from the places that hold the memories. I haven’t even found myself drawn to it. Even though I think about it – if that makes any sense at all.

So I am here. Not more than five minutes drive from the site of the memories and I am fighting the urge to go there and purge myself. It would be pointless because he isn’t there. I could go there and talk to the ghosts the reside there. I could talk to the memories and cleanse myself of the dire confusion I am finding myself in. I could spew out of me all that is going on in my life because I know the ghost would never judge nor never tell – because as they say dead men tell no tales. And as silly as it seems – the ghost would never judge.

I hate having secrets. Especially from my children, my friends and the most important people in my life. I hate not being able to pick up the phone and tell someone “hey, this is what is going on”. I hate not being able to have this decision sit comfortably with myself. I know its something that has to be done and I am finding that I am being left with few other ways to go. I am finding myself backed into a corner and I am about to come out swinging.

Sometimes we find ourselves put into a corner where everything is on the line and this is one of those times for me. There are two choices, throw up my hands in defeat or come out fighting. And I don’t give up, not until I exhaust every option.

NOW I am coming to my last option so the fight is on.

Six months ago I thought I had it all. A fiancé who thinks the sun doesn’t shine in the morning until I get out of bed. A great job. Great friends. And now its all changed. I find myself wondering if I let myself get into this position just because it was easier than saying – NO.

I have someone else in my life right now who I never expected to find there. It’s s strange predicament to find yourself in a relationship with someone who is dark and dangerous (not to me but his job requires him to be that way). And who understands me. Who looks at me and knows what I’m thinking and what way I want to go. What I want to do and where I want to be and who stands patiently behind me and allows me to do it at my own pace.

When I was with Michael, things were hmm micromanaged. He knew where I was, what I did, who I did it with and the exact second that I would be back from doing it. In the beginning I didn’t mind it. I liked it. The fact that I thought that he cared so much for me that he wanted to know my whereabouts. Now I know that wasn’t the case. I am not by any sense saying that he didn’t care. He did. He just didn’t care in the way I thought he did. He still cares now. It’s nothing for him to call me or me to call him and for us to just – talk. He is one of my biggest supporters and the keeper of a part of my heart and my deepest secrets.

This man – who god forbid is not my fiancé but is fast becoming a big part of my world. It’s nothing to go somewhere with him and know that at all times I am safe. My personal self is safe and he will not let anyone near me if I want it that way. I can go somewhere with him and know that if I walk across the room alone, that at all times he has an eye on me and not in a creepy, stalking, controlling way – just in a way that reassures me. That I am not alone.

I’m finding that the things in my relationship with this man are different from David. I can walk into a room with David and be holding his hand and still feel out of place and often unsure and wary of where I am and who is about. With D&D (as I call him) I can walk into a crowded room and feel his hand very lightly on the small of my back guiding me not controlling me and its a very comforting and relaxing way to feel. To stop mid step because you are unsure of where to go and to hear that quiet voice in your ear telling you to just breathe.

To feel safe like that is something that has always been important to me. To know that I can look in one simple direction and meet their eyes and know that the small smile they give me means I am safe from harm. It makes sense to me.

I think that the time is fast approaching where I have to take my engagement ring and end what I have with David. It is unfair to him, to my children, to my friends and to everyone who spends time with us. It’s not that I want anymore from D&D than he gives. Its a comfortable fit with someone who just wants to be with me and for me to be with him. Even if it is to just sit on a bench by a lake and watch ducks swimming. That’s all. David is young. Much younger than I am and he deserves to free to find someone who is more suited to him who doesn’t come with a semi trailer full of baggage. And that’s what I come with.

Right now D&D is across the room from me watching some inane dribble on tv but its comforting that I can sneakily look up from this keyboard and find his eyes meet mine at the same time. Just the smallest nod makes everything that is churning around my stomach disappear and I can breathe again. He doesn’t push me or nag me or coerce me – he just lets me be. Me.

For the first time in so very long I went out for dinner tonight and I don’t think more than ten sentences were exchanged but everything was understood and it was comfortable – if that makes sense to whoever is reading this – because it makes sense to me.

It’s what I need and its what I want. And if its nothing more than what it is now
then I am happy with that. Because its taught me that I’m not as hard to figure out as I thought I was. And its nice to have a relationship in my world that doesn’t need nor want a label.

We played chess today. Nothing major huh? But it was to me because I don’t know how to play chess. But the patience displayed to teach me was relaxing and I laughed, really laughed for the first time in so long. It would probably be easy to understand if I explained that this was an adult size chess board in the middle of a park.

My hand fits in his like its made to be – it all makes sense to me.

Its the little things that sit in the forefront of my mind.

Like how our conversations are the secrets that he keeps, he lets me know he’s here for me and he wants me to see myself the way he see’s me. As amazing.

This is perfect to me and if its true then I need to be let the amazing man who wants marry me go and be free before he gets hurt. Because he deserves more than I am able to give him. Now or later.

This is part of the battle I am fighting at the moment and after re-reading this I know half the battle is won.

I am not in any way, shape or form looking forward to breaking someone’s heart but its best to do it now. He’s not a stupid man. He know’s something is missing in our relationship but he’ll keep fighting for it and I can’t let him do it.

So when I get home tomorrow. I’m going to tell him.

If nothing more comes from my relationship with D&D than a close friend who I can trust with all my heart then I’ll be happy.

I just feel terrible that the heartbreak I felt last time I was in this town is about to be inflicted on someone else.

It’s an impossible situation. Either way there is going to be hurt all around but what we had is gone now.

It’s time to set him free and then maybe I can work on freeing myself and let go of the guilt that I am carrying around.

I feel sick and terrible.

Listen you sinner – I’m sinning to – but just wait until the darkness falls so I can sin with you.

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