It’s been just over twelve months since you left us. I knew there was a reason I stopped at the cemetery on the way home from Bendigo to see nan. I wonder what your mum would think if she knew the disgusting mess our family is in?
People not talking to others. Some talking to others but then continuing the conversation behind another’s back and some just being straight out liars and doing nothing but pretending that they were innocent in all of this.
She was a beautiful soul and all she wanted was for her family to stick together and despite the promises you all made to her, I guess it was just easier to lie. Am I right? I’m pretty sure I am.
I wish I had of been able to speak to you before you made your escape – scott free.
I wish I had of had the opportunity to ask you why you molested me as a child and why you let TWO of your brothers do it as well. What did I do dad? What did I do to you that you allowed it to happen and you didn’t defend me?
All my life people told me that I was daddy’s girl. That I was number one in your eyes and that none of your other children would ever mean as much to you as I did. Right now that makes me scoff. Because truly, I don’t believe it. A daddy who loved his child as much as you were supposed to love me? He wouldn’t have hurt me like you did. Number one in your eyes? You would have protected me from your brothers. You KNEW what they had done and how they had done the same thing to your nieces and you STILL left them alone with me. A child. An innocent child who you promised to love and protect.
But you didn’t.
Not unless I was prepared to stand up in front of our entire family and tell them all that I made it up. That’s unconditional love right there eh? Not!
I would rather walk through fire than let anyone hurt my little girls. Any of them. I’d fight to the death to make sure they were all okay and protected. Even if it meant that they were the only family I had left. I’d rather that then know in the back of my mind that they were being hurt and that I allowed it so that I could be accepted in that fucked up thing we called a family.
Yet I still miss you. I miss your stupid crooked grin and your dumb jokes. I miss the way we could talk and most of all I miss knowing that despite the fact that we were not talking I still had a daddy on this earth and that I could see him. Even though he told me he hated me and wanted nothing to do with me.
I never got to say goodbye to you. It might have been an angry goodbye, but it still would have given me some kind of peace and closure. Some way to move on without this gaping wound that I carry in my chest.
It could have been a sad goodbye. Because I had finally worked out a way to forgive what you had done to me. I might never have forgotten but I could have forgiven. And I know deep down inside that my heart is big enough to do that.
You weren’t perfect – but who is.
You weren’t the best father in the world – but who can be.
You had your faults but I know that deep inside you were capable of love.
I know that when you died I said that I was glad and that I was happy that you died in pain and agony – but that’s not true.
I hope, that despite it all, when you left us, you did so quietly and peacefully.
I said I’d never tell you I forgave you and that I loved you – but that’s changed.
It’s been a year daddy and I forgive you.
I love you and I miss you.
And I wish I had of had the chance to say goodbye.
So this is it dad.
This is the last time that I will write to you or about you. I can’t let you take up anymore of my precious emotions that I have so many people to share them with.
I hope that you’ve finally found your peace.
Because I’ve found mine.